9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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