i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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