My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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