can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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