Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
