So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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