There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
