I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
