The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
