I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
