don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
