So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
