I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
