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...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize