I skipped work to stalk him.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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