you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
