I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
