I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
