Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
