I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
