I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
