sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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