That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
