You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
