And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
