Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
