If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
