she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize