i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have aggressive nipples.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
