All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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