She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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