Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
