The beer is more important than you right now.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
