I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
