So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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