He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
