The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My vagina is officially offended.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
