why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
me + whiskey = a bad person
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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