Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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