A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
