there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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