we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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