Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
