We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
