There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
