FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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