I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
