We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
