Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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