He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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