This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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