please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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