If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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