The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
