Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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