I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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