I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
