I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
