I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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