I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
