News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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