When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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