btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
