You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
