This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
