I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
