yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
