Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
