If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
