My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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