Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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