I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
