I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
