Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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